Simultaneously kiss gluteus maximus above yours and kick gluteus maximus below. This frequently requires super-human agility, but your underlings will be awed, as will, more to the point, those above you.
Process is key, especially now that the big fish are sniffing the wind in what’s traditionally been our corporate pond.
The only answer to a request by uppermost management is an immediate, firm “yes;” by contrast, the only answer to a request by underlings is an immediate, firm “no.” Don’t ever confuse the words “yes” and “no.” If you haven’t already done so, banish such words as “possibly,” “maybe,” “perhaps,” and “hmmm” from your vocabulary: nobody respects a wimp.
Practice sighing with deep sincerity, “Nobody ever said life is fair.”
Casually remind your underlings the annual performance review informational process deadline is only five months, fourteen days, six hours, thirty-two minutes away.
Bottom line, it’s expected of you to start every fourth, fifth, or sixth sentence—depending on the way you’ve ambitionized your career path—with the term “bottom line,” which lets both your uppermost managers and underlings know you’re on top of things.
If your uppermost manager wears blue, buy a predominantly blue wardrobe. If your uppermost manager wears brown, buy a predominantly brown wardrobe. Protective coloration goes well with grey cubicles, beige computers, and Powerless Pointless charts with dark blue backgrounds and lots of bullet points.
Make a point of asking selected underlings, “You wouldn’t mind pitching in now and then to help out with a few minor administrative tasks, would you? Just between regular assignments, of course.” Those who immediately answer affirmatively have advancement potential, (within their limited areas of purview, to be sure,) whereas those who attempt to complain about all the proverbial “items” on their proverbial “plates” clearly require more frequent review of their objective and task prioritization.
Modern micro-managers are multi-faceted. Underlings are multi-tasked. Be careful never to confuse the two concepts.
It’s not about content. Assuming you’re bright enough to figure out how to work a browser, you’re never more than two or three mouse clicks away from content, and what’s more, it’s all free and worth it. No, it’s about capitalizing on a window of opportunity that won’t come around again very soon in these increasingly competitive times.
The problem with engineers is that they don’t think analytically. Nobody’s saying they’re dumb, you understand, but when are they going to wake up and realize we’re trying to leverage our position in the market by boot-strapping our intellectual property?
Practice sighing with deep sincerity, “Bottom line, we need to be pragmatic about this.”
Remind your underlings from time to time, “You catch more flies with vinegar than you do with honey.” Remind uppermost management from time to time, “You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.” If one of your underlings smirks and dares to suggest, “Bull shit draws more flies than honey and vinegar combined,” smile benignly and remind him or her the quarterly informational performance review process deadline is only two months, three days, two hours, fourteen minutes away.
When you receive praise from uppermost management, be sure to reply, “thank you, although to give credit where it’s due, I had a little help from one or two of my helpers: last minute proofreading and so forth, you know.”
Process is key, especially now that the courts have gone completely insane and given the lawyers a free lunch at the consumer’s expense.
Bottom line, it helps to preface your remarks by saying, “To recap’,” and “To bring this discussion to closure,” and “To reiterate,” and “To summarize.” These are process terms, and process is key, especially now that the competition is becoming increasingly more competitive and profit margins are getting increasingly narrower.
If you’re male, make sure never to use language stronger than an occasional “hell,” “damn,” or “shit” in meetings so you won’t run the risk of offending females. If you’re female, make sure you occasionally use such terms as “hell,” “damn,” and “shit” in meetings to let males know you’re not some wimpy, hypersensitive female. Racial epithets and unabashedly obscene language are permitted only in the men’s rest rooms adjacent to the loading dock and board room.
If it’s not a bullet point in a Powerless Pointless presentation, it might be a thought, but it’s not a messaged thought, so it’s extraneous to the bottom line enhancement process.
The problem with uppermost management is that it doesn’t think analytically, although that’s totally on the QT, of course.
Practice sighing with deep sincerity, “He who has the gold gets to make the rules.”
That was then. This is now. Any questions?
Hell, the obvious solution to the Asian problem is to export the rest of manufacturing and quit worrying about the whole stupid cost center.
Practice sighing with deep sincerity, “It’s hard to make an omelette without cracking a few eggs, and it’s just as hard to win a war without a good general to lead the troops.”
Nobody ever said “IPO” isn’t a verb. It might or might not be a guaranteed viable concept in this quarter’s market, you understand, but it’s definitely in the dictionary.
The problem with administrative assistants is that they don’t think analytically. If you’re male, you’re permitted to add sotto voce, “but with looks like that, who cares?” If you’re female, you’re permitted to add sotto voce, “but considering the kind of outfits she shows up for work in, what can you expect?”
Never—ever—under any circumstances—speak with a sales person. Even your administrative assistant should form a businesslike habit of never—or at least, hardly ever—speaking with sales people. The first and most vitally necessary action item on the bottom line enhancement process agenda is to make sure sales drives the company rocket ship, so you certainly wouldn’t want to squander any of your high ticket time talking to other companies’ sales people. We’re here to sell, not buy: remember?
This is your Powerless Pointless presentation on a lap top screen. This is your Powerless Pointless presentation on a top of the line projector system. Any questions?
One of the primary and most vitally necessary action items way up near the first tier action items in the bottom line enhancement process agenda is for somebody in marketing to come up with the equivalent of the famous “Intel inside” doohickey for your company. Don’t be too shy to stand up and pound your fist on the table over this one: look what that little doohickey did for Intel!
The problem with bean counters is that they don’t think analytically. Nobody’s saying they can’t add, subtract, multiply, and divide, but bottom line, that’s not a skill set you can round up an awful lot of venture capital with.
Practice sighing with deep sincerity, “I used to believe in Santa Claus when I was a kid, too.”
Investor relations is becoming more and more key in today’s increasingly fractionalizing market.
The front desk gal ought to be able to take care of that kind of mundane thing in her spare time, especially considering all you ever see her do is talk on the telephone eight hours a day.
The problem with manufacturing types is that they don’t think analytically. Bottom line, we need to get realistic about this: manufacturing lost its cutting edge in the big paradigm shift way back in the mid-’90s, and we all know what flows downhill.
Long term objectives aren’t fully quantifiable yet, but objectivizing and reallocating resources to deal with projected expansion in the marketplace is already in process.
The problem with R & D types is that they don’t think analytically. Bottom line, Einstein was famous, all right, and his résumé no doubt even had a few patents to make it look sharper, but the last time I checked the Fortune 500 list, Einstein, Inc. wasn’t on it. Bottom line: if it’s not on the NYSE or NASDAQ, why waste time talking about it?
Process is key, especially considering what’s been happening in the other market sectors that we’ve traditionally never directly impacted.
This is the old org’ chart. This is the new one. Any questions? On second thought, let’s round up any stray questions and pencil them in on the agenda for next week’s meeting: way too many action items left on today’s agenda for personnel-type chit-chat.
The problem with MIS types is that they don’t think analytically, but then, what would you expect from a bunch of dummies who can’t even keep track of a few lousy E-mail attachments?
Practice sighing with deep sincerity, “You’ve got to play the hand you’re dealt.”
The single best way to initiate a positional candidate interview is to spend a minimum of three minutes locating your interviewee’s résumé and cover letter in a manila folder containing at least a two-inch sheaf of paper from your recycling box or waste basket. After pretending to find the interviewee’s résumé and cover letter, exclaim, “Ah! There you are! I’ve been absolutely buried in useless paper this quarter.” This lets your interviewee know it’s time to start kissing gluteus maximus. Nota bene: the more desperately your company is seeking competent employees, the thicker the sheaf of paper from your recycling box or waste basket needs to be, especially considering the personal grooming failures and total air brains those HR nitwits have been coming up with lately.
Confide in each of your underlings on a regular and frequent basis, “I was hoping I’d be able to delegate some of these more mundane tasks, but so far...” Add a weary sigh for emphasis. Scientific studies have conclusively demonstrated this technique produces quantifiably better results than antiquated pre-Communication Age praise. Nota bene: if you work in a computer-related enterprise, the antiquated pre-Communication Age is commonly referred to as the “antiquated pre-Pentium Age.”
If underlings didn’t need to be looked after, they wouldn’t be underlings—and the sky isn’t green, either.
Practice sighing with deep sincerity, “Bottom line, this is a business, not a democracy.”
The problem with sales types is that they don’t think analytically, but then, what do you expect of a bunch of overpaid order takers who couldn’t actually sell their way out of a wet paper bag?
Familiarize yourself with interesting details of your underlings’ personal lives. Overt gossip is generally considered overkill: subtle hints here and there typically accomplish the same bottom line net result of encouraging underlings to distrust one another and rely on you for guidance.
The only stupid question is the one you don’t have the answer to.
Hell, if accounting thinks it needs faster computers, it should get up off its butt and go out and make enough sales to pay for them.
Process is key, especially considering the way operating costs have been trending right through the glass ceiling these past two quarters.
Don’t ever be afraid to give the same task to two underlings, or even three or four. In the first place, they need subtle reminders that you don’t trust them; in the second, such assignments help fill their free time and encourage them to feel their contributions are important, and in the third, it builds team spirit, which your uppermost manager likes to hear about in your weekly one on one sessions.
Human nature is hierarchic by nature. Did you think every flock of chickens in the world has a pecking order just to keep farmers busy?
The problem with HR types is that they don’t think analytically, but then, what can you expect from a bunch of junior college grad’s who can’t even pick out a first class resort for an uppermost management off-site? Remember that golf cart that broke down on the sixteenth hole? Hell, it’s no wonder those nitwits can’t find halfway competent help.
Bottom line, what this company really needs is down to earth rocket science.
Frankly, you regard your uppermost manager as a mentor, and you deeply value your weekly one on one sessions. Frankly, you wish you could delegate the burden of sitting through monthly one on one sessions with your underlings to someone else, (the assistant janitor, for example.)
Hell, there’s not much we can do about maternity leave, but it couldn’t have happened at a worse time, especially considering how hard it is to find people who can even speak English, much less follow simple directions and remember to turn in weekly objective achievement update reports on time.
Practice sighing with deep sincerity, “It might or might not be water over the dam, but you definitely can’t change horses in mid-stream.”
The problem with marketing and advertising types is they don’t think analytically. Oh, they can make it pretty, all right—to give credit where credit’s due—but bottom line, what’s pretty got to do with the cost of coconuts in the Congo?
Process is key, especially now that the competition is trying to go not only international, but global.
The problem with consultants is that even though a few of them can think analytically if you push them hard enough, they never stick around to take the heat for their stupid mistakes.
Process is key, especially now that we’re starting to see the first initial preliminary indicators for the fiscal year end.
Bottom line, there’s a reason your underlings suddenly stop conversing when you enter a room: you’ve already become a more modern, multi-faceted, marketable micro-manager! You’ve razzled and dazzled the poor dummies. You’ve achieved consensus. You’ve concluded phase one of your team building and morale enhancement exercise—and who cares if they mutter and grumble a little behind your back now and then? You’ve got the big pay check and the stock options, and they’ve got the little pay checks and the seats on the company picnic steering committee.
To recap’, nobody ever said life is fair.
Copyright © 1998–2007, James Stillwater. All rights reserved. No part of this document may be copied, downloaded, printed, or used in any other manner without prior written permission of James Stillwater.