Having successfully founded several religions, and having lately moved on to new, more diverse challenges, I’m herewith undertaking to share my accumulated wisdom and experience with you in the hope that you, too, will share the joys and insights and rewards of starting new religions. I give you my word of honor, dear reader, that if you follow the ensuing simple steps, as well as exercise a modicum of simple old-fashioned common sense, you will soon find yourself at the head of a thriving new religion, complete with numerous followers, rules for them to follow in their daily lives and beliefs to occupy their time, and that special sense of accomplishment that accompanies the achievement of all great dreams.
Like ordinary businesses, of course, many religions fail. There are no guarantees in the religious line of work. Indeed, unless you feel a special calling to found a new religion, it may be worth your while to consider other career opportunities, for this truly is a demanding and exacting form of human—may I say “super-human,” even?—endeavor. “Many are called,” as the Christians are fond of reminding one another, “but few are chosen.”
Further like commercial enterprises, religions are occasionally well regarded in their early stages, but can’t be sustained over extended periods of time. Zoroastrianism, for example, was a thriving religion in its day, claiming hundreds of thousands of adherents; today, alas, it rates occasional footnotes in college research papers. In her time, Pallas Athena was one of the mightiest, most widely respected goddesses known to man, yet in our modern age, decades pass without a single goat being sacrificed to propitiate her. Most contemporary religions are solidly established as IBM, General Motors, General Electric, Beyer, and the like, but much as these mighty enterprises are by no means immune to competition, so can your new religion win adherents from the ranks of Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, et cetera. The stakes are high, as are the difficulties and risks. If you’re merely toying with the notion of starting a religion as a sort of glorified hobby, please bear in mind: many hobbyists have undertaken the task, but few, to date, have succeeded. It helps to have an obsessive, even monomaniacal personality; never underestimate, however, the power of hard work, which can overcome most, if not all limitations.
I offer the following advice freely and openly to all interested persons without regard for race, creed, color, national origin, sexual preference, age, or operating system preference. Legally speaking, of course, I must decline to accept any responsibility, direct, incidental, or coincidental, for any consequences you may incur as a result of following said advice. That said, I’m entirely certain if you follow my method, you’ll soon be able to look back on one of the happier, more challenging, uplifting experiences of your life. Enjoy!
1. Seek out religious experience
Strictly speaking, this step isn’t necessary, although it can be very helpful in formulating your mumbo-jumbo and lend you a singularly useful aura of authenticity as you gather your first adherents. Founders of religions in ancient times sought religious experience in prayer and fasting, meditating on the meaning of life and/or the lack thereof, suffering great pain, wandering in deserts and suburbs, and generally undergoing all manner of time-consuming experiences. I recommend wasting as little time as possible on such antiquated methods. Oh, I don’t doubt the efficacy of such techniques, but in the first place, they tend to be uncomfortable, and in the second, suffering ought to be confined to movies. Trust me, please: in these modern times we’ve been having lately, there’s no reason not to seek your fundamental religious experience in a shopping mall, at a picturesque beach, in a national park with scenic mountain vistas, and the like. I recommend taking along a dictionary and thesaurus. Start by looking up such words as “luminous,” “numinous,” “paradigm,” “faith,” “anticipate,” et cetera. See where the definitions lead. Gather words. You probably don’t need to begin stringing them together at this point: merely gather them, contemplate them and wait for them to gel. I know many people believe recreational drug use can be a shortcut to religious experience, but they’re mistaken. Hallucinogens have been tried time and time again by a surprisingly large number of individuals, without once, however, having enabled a single person to found a successful religion. If you doubt me, ask yourself how recently you’ve read anything by Timothy Leary.
2. Have a religious enlightenment
Specifically, have a nice religious enlightenment. Bolts of lightning and visions arcing across the sky were fine in their time, but let’s be realistic, okay? A nice quiet, moderate, thoughtful enlightenment uses less electricity, takes less time, and produces essentially the same net result as grand, pyrotechnic enlightenments of yore. Sit around thinking pleasant thoughts awhile. Smile a lot. Gather more words from your dictionary and thesaurus, and contemplate their meanings. Before long, I’m sure, you’ll begin to discover the secret meanings snugly tucked out of sight behind the ordinary meanings of words. Dwell on these secret meanings. Let them speak to you. Let them surround you in a nimbus of grace. Trust them. If you hear voices, listen to them. If you behold visions, grab a video camera and record them for posterity. If spirits from other worlds or dimensions accost you, take them to lunch. Befriend them. By the way, there’s nothing to worry about if no secret meanings or beings from other dimensions visit you: it’s just a sign that your enlightenment is of the moderate variety, which, frankly, I believe is more appropriate to our millennial age.
3. Find, invent, or imagine some gods
Yes, I deliberately wrote “gods,” plural rather than “god,” singular. I’m well aware that all of today’s most commercially successful religions are monotheistic, but I assure you that’s the wave of the past. Monotheism has been the style in religions for the past two or three millennia; now that we’re all computer-literate, however, and have vast quantities of RAM and hard drive storage space to attend to numbers and pixels for us, there’s no further need to limit ourselves to such humdrum notions. The charm of monotheism was its simplicity; that was, as well, its single greatest limitation. If there were only one operating system, would you trust it? If there were only one brand of gasoline to pump into your car, would you buy it gladly or with a sneer on your face? Offer your followers diversity. Offer them a choice. Offer them a generous selection of gods to propitiate and appeal to and blame and worship. Think of yourself as the owner of a metaphysical shopping mall. You might want several major gods to “anchor” your spiritual emporium, as it were, but lesser shops will lend your enterprise flavor and appeal to a much wider audience of prospective believers. Male gods, female gods, young gods and goddesses, gods and goddesses designed to appeal to diverse ethnic groups: all these gods can help you attract—and keep—spiritual traffic. Angels, saints, demigods, and the full panoply of lesser spirits are very useful, (would it be a real mall without a special place to enjoy doughnuts and greasy pizza and spill soft drinks all over recent purchases?) but make sure you’ve got your gods and goddesses lined up before devoting time and effort to lesser matters. You say you’re still not completely convinced traditional monotheism wouldn’t be the best course? Put it this way, friends: you’ve got more than one pair of socks, don’t you? More than one program on your hard drive, right? Polytheism is the most modern, effective trend in theism.
4. Concoct a creation myth
In the beginning was something or other. Something terrible happened. The gods showed up. Eventually, ordinary, mortal people showed up, too. The people and the gods lived in perfect, righteous harmony for a long time, then some other terrible thing happened and people strayed from the path. Misery ensued. As a direct result of your religious experiences and eventual enlightenment, (see Steps 1 and 2 above,) you have personally reestablished contact with the gods, who’ve kindly shared their wisdom—the only wisdom that counts—with you. That’s the gist of it. As long as your creation myth covers those basic points, your new religion will be cool. I’m sure you don’t need my help thinking up terrible things that happened aeons and millennia ago to disrupt the natural harmony that you’re going to lead everyone back to. Those are just incidental details. Concentrate your best and brightest efforts on the main points, and I’m sure you’ll do fine.
5. Write a holy book
It’s not a religion if it doesn’t have a book. It might become a moderately successful cult, of course, but it’s not going to amount to a genuine, official religion unless you’ve gone to the trouble to write a holy book. Even the Scientologists have a book, although it’s only second-rate science fiction. Charles Manson didn’t trouble himself to cobble together a book, and look what became of him. I know writing a whole book all by yourself probably sounds extremely bothersome, but take my word for it, please: you’ve already invested in a dictionary and thesaurus, and you’ve no doubt got a word processor, so it’s basically just a matter of fleshing out and expanding your creation myth, (see Step 4 above.) You’ll need to pack your holy book with lots of rules and regulations to keep your adherents from straying from the path you’ve chosen for them, but that’s almost child’s play. You think I’m exaggerating? Well, I’m not, friends. Just make a list of all the things you like. Proscribe them, or at least, strictly limit your adherents’ freedom to indulge themselves in such pleasures. If that doesn’t result in enough rules and regulations to seem appropriately authoritative, make a second list of all the things other people like. Proscribe them, or at least, inveigh against them at considerable length. Choose some foods for them not to eat. Courting, marriage, and the begetting of children are natural topics for rules and regulations. Once you’ve got a reasonably elaborate creation myth, (see Step 4 above,) and an impressively long list of requirements and proscriptions, you’re nearly finished. Simply number the chapters in consecutive order, run the whole thing through your word processor’s spelling checker, and persuade your first band of stalwart adherents to pay to have it published. By the bye, I recommend against wasting a great deal of time and effort on beliefs. Oh, I don’t mean they’re not useful, but fairly realistically speaking, everybody’s already familiar with love, brotherhood, fate, and the perfectibility or intrinsic evil of man, and so forth. Elaborate on your creation myth, pack your holy book with lots of rules and regulations, and press on resolutely to the next Step in your journey toward religious success.
6. Gather your first adherents
Preach to the dimwits. Button-hole them. Yell and scream at them if you’ve got to. Reason with them. Negotiate. Demonstrate the clear and compelling benefits of your new religion and holy book. Reward them with promises. Let them know you’re presenting them a limited time offer to get in on the ultimate multi-level marketing scheme of all time. Never mind going after the best and the brightest, but content yourself with second-best and passably intelligent, because they’ll work harder and longer for fewer promised rewards. It’s only reasonable to want the best and the brightest, but take it from someone who’s been there and done that, please: it’s hard to compete with modern corporate wages and fringe benefits. Just do the best you can with what you can round up, and trust that persecution, (see Step 7 below,) will anneal your first little band and motivate them to go forth and convert others. So what if some of them aren’t too bright? So what if some of them are downright dumb, in fact? If you were opening a tennis shoe shop in a mall, would you personally care whether your customers were rocket scientists or postal clerks? Several wannabe founders of new religions have asked me whether it’s a good idea to work miracles as a means of gathering adherents, and most have been shocked when I assured them miracles are a waste of time and effort. I know miracle working was effective hundreds and thousands of years ago, but that was before the age of digital special effects. Who’s going to believe your miracles weren’t just cooked up on some hot rod graphics work station and issued to the general public with tickets and popcorn and candy? It’s okay to promise miracles to those who aren’t too bright, but stick to the basics, eh? The point of Step 6 is to gather a moderate-sized band of loyal, unquestioning followers who will spread your new religion far and wide for you—unless, of course, you’d rather spend the rest of your life doing the grunt work yourself. Does the president of Proctor and Gamble personally make sure the caps are tightly screwed on the tubes of tooth paste coming off the assembly line?
7. Persecute or be persecuted
This is the developmental stage at which eight out of ten new religions fail. Their founders seek out religious experience, come up with revelations or other bright, charming ideas, find or invent some gods, write their holy books, and amass small bands of wild-eyed true believers, only to lose their nerve when the time comes to inflict or suffer pain. Hey. Listen up, all right? Did I say founding a new religion was going to be easier than ordering a hamburger and fries? Well, it’s not, friends. It’s hard work. Heck, it can even be bloody work, if you’d like to know the proverbial “truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.” Persecution is what separates the sheep from the goats, the market leaders from the products that end up marked down at K-Mart, the assistant district attorneys from the slobs in cell block D. My personal recommendation is that you persecute rather than being persecuted, if only because it’s less messy, (and anyway, you can appropriate the possessions of those you persecute.) Remember my suggesting that you not trouble yourself overmuch about beliefs? (See step 5 above.) The single most powerful, cost-effective belief is Us versus Them. That’s it. That’s the big secret. The moment you convince your small band of intrepid early adopters to regard themselves as Us and everybody else as Them, you’re over the oft-cited “hump.” Nothing brings out the best in people half so well as a good, lively natural disaster or a noisy, bloody war.
8. Continue to persecute
You could, in fact, continue to be persecuted, but that frequently leads to religious extinction, or “foreshortened product life cycle,” as its called in innovative religious circles. If you opted for the old-fashioned method of being persecuted in Step 7 above, this is the point at which you’ve got to reorient your adherents in a 180° turn, issue strong statements and instruments of torture, and send them forth to do battle against the forces of evil, et cetera. If you wisely opted for the much more modern, streamlined method of starting out by persecuting nonbelievers, you not only don’t have to convince your merry band of dimwits and drudges and drones to change course, but can simply sit back and trust that as they gather more followers to the fold, your new religion’s powers of persecution will automatically be increased. I can’t promise you the increase will be exponential; then again, if you take care to attract an initial following of individuals who’ve never heard of such pretentious words as “exponential,” the increase will be at least dramatic, and possibly even miraculous. Remember what I said about not wasting your time and talents on miracles? (See Step 6 above.) The real miracle is that as your followers grow in number and become filled with the true, abiding spirit of your new religion, even the least intelligent among them will suddenly be inspired to invent new, more efficacious and dynamic forms of persecution. In a “nut shell,” to coin a phrase, these tendencies soon develop a life of their own. Your function, as the founder of this new religion, is simply to define the path, then let your followers—may they be numerous as graffiti in any urban public transportation center!—do the actual marching with swords in hands and the guiding light of (fill in the blank) in their hearts.
9. Obliterate your enemies, rewrite history, and enlarge your sublime spiritual empire by any and all means
Your new religion will evolve over time, of course. The morons who follow the imbeciles who follow the dummies who followed your original small band of dimwits will corrupt your carefully wrought creation myth, mix up the names of your meticulously contrived gods and goddesses, and generally wreak havoc with your noble guiding principles. Sooner or later, those idiots will probably even start persecuting the wrong people! Although many founders of new religions find these changes troubling, even disturbing, the real masters positively welcome them. “How can they stand to watch their ideals be perverted for base ends?” you may well wonder. “Aren’t they embarrassed?” you may ask. Perhaps you’re thinking, “but how could Great Mother Guttu-Mudo enjoy the sight of her followers slaughtering nonbelievers’ new-born babies?” Maybe you’re ready to exclaim, “I’m sure I have to draw the line somewhere!” Well, draw it wherever you’d like, friends, but refer all the way back to Step 1 above, please. Do you remember my advice to “seek your fundamental religious experience in a shopping mall, at a picturesque beach, in a national park with scenic mountain vistas, and the like?” If you were wise enough to take my advice, and if you had sense enough to keep your eyes open instead of contemplating your navel, I’m sure you’ll have noticed something by now: all these places are crowded. Is it mystical enlightenment time for you yet? Not quite, hunh? Well, not to worry: I told you all things would be revealed, and so they shall.
10. Bear in mind the purpose of religion is to check population growth
I know it seems religions are becoming less and less important in these post-modern times we’re having nowadays. I know humanity is facing terrible crisis after horrendous disaster after insurmountable something or other. Times are tough and getting tougher all over. Common sense isn’t the least bit common any more. Things are going to perdition in the old-fashioned hand basket, aren’t they? The junk they’re putting in food, you know? Yeah, and the ozone layer, too: let’s not forget about that—and while we’re at it, what about the proliferation of nuclear weapons in countries where the number of annual baths per capita is a decimal number? Want to hear about the melting polar ice caps, and so forth?
Frankly, friends, I had high hopes for communism as the great new modern religion, but the Soviet communist empire collapsed of its own bulk, and although China is still nominally communist, it hasn’t decimated an ethnic minority in months. Communism may already have flopped as creative, effective modern religion, but I’m positive if you apply yourself to the task with undaunted courage and resolution, you can think up something better: something monumentally bloody and truly horrendous. If you don’t do something to curb the population of Homo sapiens, friends, we’re going to breed ourselves into extinction. All hail the gods and goddesses! To arms! Death to the infidels! Viva the new religion!
Copyright © 1998–2007, James Stillwater. All rights reserved. No part of this document may be copied, downloaded, printed, or used in any other manner without prior written permission of James Stillwater.